Defying Gravity
by dementedchris
Summary: Completed. AU. Kaoru, Kenshin, and Tomoe discover that some truths are inescapable.
1. One

Another A/U fic, but what if this time Kenshin and Kaoru were two high school best friends? And what if Kenshin was in love with Tomoe?

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Defying Gravity

One

I found you again, hidden in the shelter of these cherry trees that you love. I tried waiting for you after your class but Tomoe-san said that you didn't come in at all after lunch period. In that short walk from the high school to your sanctuary, I wondered what had happened this time, enough to push you into another of your mood swings.

"Kenshin?" I asked tentatively as I came nearer.

You turned to me with your heart in those purple eyes. "Kaoru-dono," you acknowledged, still using that outdated honorific that you've been calling me since we were children, when I bopped you on the head for ignoring me. Since then it has sounded more like an endearment instead of a term of respect, and I didn't want it any other way. "You should go on home," you said.

I sat down next to you, and you moved a little to make room for me. It's funny how you did that so instinctively, when we had an entire expanse of grass to sit on. But that's how you always were. You made room for me in your bentou because you knew I'd poison myself with my own cooking. You made room for me in your busy life, picking me up before we went to school and bringing me home even if it meant being late for kendo practice. You took me in without question, without complaint.

"Was it Tomoe-san?" Even before the question was out of my lips, I already knew your answer.

"Sano told me that she got back together with Kiyosato-kun," you told me.

"Oh." There wasn't anything else I could say, was there? If I said, 'Don't worry,' that would be a lie. It was in your nature to worry about things, to worry about someone you cared about. If I said 'I understand,' that would be an even bigger lie, because I didn't. At least you had her once, held her in your arms during those fleeting weeks that she thought she was over Kiyosato. 

I never had you.

So I did the only thing that I could. I reached out and placed my arm around your shoulders. You buried your face in the base of my neck like a little child.

But you did not cry.

***

You walked me home after that. In the crowded streets of Tokyo, I huddled in the comfort of your silence.

You needed me because you needed motherly affection, someone to come home to. I was a far cry from the stereotype, but I gave you what you wanted because that was all you seemed to ask of me. 

"I'll see you tomorrow morning, ne?" I asked, carefully keeping the light tone in my voice.

You remained silent for a few heartbeats. "Hai," you finally answered, before heading down the street and out of my sight. Your hair is the horizon on fire, burning into my mind.

***

Could we have been any more different? I was stubborn where she was patient. I was rough and awkward where she was all cool grace. Yet with every day you walked me home, I walked towards a remote hope that one day, the choice would be obvious to you.

A year ago, when you first told me that you thought you were falling in love, I did not even want to know her name. I could not begin to explain to you why. I was, after all, your best friend -- entitled to every heartbreaking detail of your love life. So I listened and smiled and made sympathetic noises on cue. 

Her name came easily to me now, after months of practice. Yukishiro Tomoe.

You told me that she was a classmate, a goddess I could never dream to compete against. Because of you, I found out how her eyes lit up her face, how her smile is your heaven on earth. I also found out how far it was from your house to hers, why she loved the scent of white plums, how she was a closet kendo fan. Those were details I did not need to be bothered with, but still I bothered. Because I was your friend, and because you wanted me to. There was nothing pleasant about those conversations, only perhaps the wistful tone that softened your voice, or perhaps the gentle way you dragged out the syllables of each word. Once I imagined it was because you were talking to _me_, but of course I knew better. It was too painful to go on thinking that it was my company you sought, that it was my voice that made you smile through the phone. All the time I kept remembering that she was a goddess, and I was only mortal.

The late evenings found me like that, listening to you long into the night, wondering if your stories have the power to transform me into what you wanted. I hung on to each word, to each wonderful word, each long sigh. Often you said something that made my heart leap, a veiled promise or a tender nickname that caught me in the middle of a heartbeat. I lived for these moments, when I thought to myself, maybe there was still hope, maybe you will realize that I am the one you really loved. But those were just moments -- transient, ephemeral.

I tried to win you over with everything I had – my little girl act, my constant mothering, my feminine charms, my one-of-the-boys routine. Sometimes I remembered to be myself, and I _was_, knowing that _my self _is so much like _your _self, and perhaps that was enough. But nothing worked; I should know that by now. I resigned myself to just being your friend. At least I knew that I was the one you went to when you were broken, that I was the one who picked up pieces of you and held them together.

But then she broke up with Kiyosato, and you moved in.

Do you remember how happy you were when you first went out? You were also very nervous then, turning red every time she looked your way. I knew because I was there. I dragged Sano and followed you around the new arcade, the park, the road to her house. And then you went out with her again and again and again that it was a wonder how you ever made the time to still walk me home every day. I never followed you again after that first date.

I broke too, after all.

Because I was only mortal.

And I was only your friend.

***

"Kaoru-chan," Grandfather called, just as I was washing the dishes in the kitchen. "He's here."

I rinsed the rest as quickly as I could then stepped outside. "Thank you, Grandfather." You were waiting by the garden, my bookbag already slung on one shoulder along with his. Your eyes crinkled at the corners as you smiled at me. You seemed so different from the devastated boy who laid his head on my shoulder yesterday. 

"Daijobou?" I asked you softly.

You bobbed your head. "I'm fine, Kaoru-dono. Let's go?" You phrased it like a question, politely hesitant. Yet you still took the lead, and I followed.

I would have followed you anywhere.

We were a few blocks away from school when we ran into Sano. His eyes were too wide for this early morning, and we instantly sensed that something was wrong. It didn't help when he opened his mouth. "Hey, you guys, want to hang out here for a while?"

"The bell's about to ring, Sano," I pointed out, a little irritated. I shot you a look. You were studying him carefully, measuring him.

"We won't be late," Sano assured us. But his eyes darted nervously to one side, back to the road that led straight to school. 

You caught that movement. "What is it, Sano?" you asked. Your tone was light, but the words were firm, decisive. You didn't want to be messed around with. As Sano stuttered for an answer, you grabbed my hand and pulled me on our way.

We should have listened to Sano.

Not fifteen steps away were Kiyosato and Tomoe, wrapped in a loving embrace. I felt you stiffen beside me. It must have hurt to see the one you love that way.

"Let's go, Kenshin," I whispered. We walked on. You tightened your grip on my arm, but I tried not to mind as we walked past them. I was proud of you then, so proud.

But the look in your eyes said that you still loved her. 

That day, I died a little again.

****

To be continued

Author's Notes: My other series 'Without Words' was intended to be romance-oriented, but as the story progresses, the action/mystery part just keeps slipping back in and any attempt to keep them away will only result in a poorly written story. So to keep my own mushy side happy, I came up with this. It may not be pure WAFF, but it's still unadulterated teenage romance angst. Hope you enjoyed it, though. :)


	2. Two

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Defying Gravity

Two

I walked you to your homeroom without a word. You didn't deserve my silence, I knew, but you left me to my thoughts. You always did.

Finally you spoke. "Kenshin," you murmured softly as I stopped at the door of your class.

I leaned slightly forward, trying to smile despite the pain of seeing Tomoe with Kiyosato. "Yes, Kaoru-dono?"

A smile tugged at the corner of your lips. "Will we still walk home together this afternoon?"

"Of course," I replied. You didn't need to ask. I had kendo practice, and I walked you home. I had a girlfriend, and still I walked you home. A broken heart wasn't going to make a difference to our decade-old ritual. We were friends. Friends never need to ask.

"Okay," you said, disappearing into the room. I walked into the opposite direction, to where Sano waited for me, leaning against a wall, his hands thrust in his pockets.

"Sorry about that, Kenshin," Sano apologized. "I would have told you eventually --"

I cut him off. "No matter. They're together now. I was bound to run into them." How easily the words came now, as if I truly believed them. But who was I fooling? You knew. Even Sano knew, and he wasn't exactly the most perceptive person around.

"So how's Jou-chan?" he inquired. 

I shrugged, wondering why the sudden change of topic. Knowing Sano, I expected him to hound the Tomoe angle relentless. "She's fine," I answered for you. "Why would you ask?"

"I just thought it would be hard for the girl who loves you to stand by you through all this," he said casually as we entered our homeroom.

I stopped.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"Oh, _shit_," Sano cursed himself, but I wasn't listening. His words pounded into my brain.

You love me?

My thoughts turned to you. You, standing in your doorway, framed by a summer morning. You, bending over me after a particularly exhausting kendo practice. You, laughing my hurt away. The images wash over me, crash over me, a wave on the sand. 

Sano looked at me helplessly. "I thought you knew."

***

How do you thank someone who has loved you more than anyone?

Knowing you, it should be easy. You never asked for much; hell, you never asked for anything. You were content with all I could give, precious little though it was. Like I said, it should have been easy. A word, a smile, another walk home. But thanking you now would seem rather futile. Not even my sincere gratitude for your affection, for your presence in my life, could completely compare with all you have given me. I could talk all I want, but _still_ the words would end up short.

You were the best confidant a guy could ever ask for. In you, I found myself trusting someone with things that I normally wouldn't even admit to myself. You let me grow angry. You let me screw up. I was never afraid that you would judge me despite the crazy things I was liable to do. You were just _there_, listening, understanding. I could do no wrong in your eyes. You made me feel that no matter what I did, I was still someone worthy to be your friend. You anchored me. In this confusing world, I didn't know I needed that until you.

I never really understood why you chose me. You have better friends; there are better guys. I always thought that I was messing up your life just by being there, but you never let me think that. You seemed so in control, so steady, so dependable. Or at least, that was what you wanted me to see. 

Something kept telling me that you were also the only logical choice for a girlfriend. But I guess I never really was a big fan of logic, huh? I fell in love with the wrong girl when I should have been falling in love with you.

And God knows why I didn't fall in love with you. Couldn't.

How do you thank someone who has loved you more than anyone, and how do you break her heart?

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To be continued

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Author's Notes: Forgive me if it took me a long time to post this chapter. Also, I'd like to apologize this chapter was shorter than expected. Writing it, I felt that I was able to say everything I wanted _this_ Kenshin to say. The objective was to show things from Kenshin's perspective, and so here it is.


	3. Three

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Defying Gravity

Three

Don't believe everything you hear, Kenshin. 

Or see.

Today was Akira's last day here. Tomorrow, his family is leaving for Osaka, where he will have to finish his final year of high school. Did you find me cheap when I asked to spend these last few days with my oldest friend? Did you find me sullied now that you've seen me in his arms, for what possibly could be the very last time?

I caught sight of you from across the room. Once again, your eyes refused to meet mine. In some measure, I was pleased. Maybe if I saw myself reflected in your eyes, I would not like what I would find there. But how long will you keep this up? How long will you insist on ignoring me? I turned to my open textbook, pretending that your rejection didn't hurt me. 

The bell rang, and you were the first one out of the classroom. You didn't even hear me speak your name.

"Don't even think about it," a rough voice told me as I attempted to follow you. I turned to see your best friend Sagara Sanosuke standing there, his arms crossed over his chest.

He meant well, I realized. He thought he was doing this for you. But I was careful not to let any emotion show. I knew too well that people got hurt when emotions were allowed free reign. So I kept mine in check, regarding him with one raised eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"You're a cruel woman, Yukishiro Tomoe," he accused me. "Don't play games with him. Either you love him or you don't."

I was not the goddess people claimed I was.

Sometimes, I bled too.

I bled then. Sagara's words hurt me. They hurt me because they presumed to know what I felt about you. They took every complex desire, every measured doubt, and boxed it into a merciless choice: one or the other. But I had to keep up appearances. That was what people expected goddesses to do. So I summoned my pride and walked away from him. "I don't believe that's any of your business," I replied, as coolly as I could.

My feet took me to Kaoru-san's classroom, where I knew you would be. I had often wondered what she meant to you yet I chose to keep silent about it, assuring myself that she was just a friend. As I watched her join you, I knew the ritual that was about to follow. You will bring her home. You will bid her goodbye. Then you will walk away.

But if I wait for you on that lonely path home, will you let me speak?

Will you listen then?

Will you take me back?

***

Perhaps I was foolish when I turned to you for comfort. If I had known it would come to this, it might have been wiser to stay away. But I had been so mad at Akira that time, so blinded by jealousy to think clearly. I couldn't believe that he chose to spend more time at kendo than with me. I thought it was just an excuse, that there was another girl involved. Too late, I found out that he did it because he wanted to prove he was worthy of me, another one who believed I was worth more than who I really was.

In the confusion that followed, I found you.

At first I told myself that being with you was only temporary, a ploy to get back at Akira. After all, you were his largest rival. You were, in essence, the one who took him away from me; Akira was so obsessed with beating you that he could not find enough time for our relationship. He thought that as long as you were the best one in the whole prefecture, he didn't deserve to be with me. All I really wanted then was for him to realize that that no one – not me, and especially not you – was perfect. I wanted him to see me without my masks, and still find me beautiful. Once that happened, I vowed I would let you go.

Those were the foolish things our 'love' put us through. I wish Akira and I had known better.

I knew who you were even before you approached me, the day after Akira and I broke up. In the years that we had been classmates, I had already felt your intense stare following me everywhere – down empty corridors, through busy rush-hour streets, and into my dreams. I could not escape you.

You wanted me. I needed you. Back then, I thought that was one and the same.

I thought that it would be easy to play you against Akira. But you were so different from him that suddenly I found myself on unfamiliar territory. I felt as if you saw me for who I was, for my faults, for my imperfections. Akira never did. For the first time, I was with someone I couldn't quite read. You claimed you loved me yet you held yourself back. You worshipped me with your stare but your touch left me longing for more. You did not ask for more than I could give. 

I thought that I could do it, go back to Akira and love him with the same intensity our brief week together had. I thought that you could easily set me free. In the space of that week, suddenly, I was the one who could not let you go.

***

"Tomoe?"

Your voice was harsher than I remembered, rough and firm as it echoed into the cold night. I stepped away from the shadows. The words refused to come.

"What are you doing here? It's getting late," you continued. 

"I want to talk to you," I said, steeling myself for your response. There were still so many things about you that I never understood.

You stepped closer. Your eyes shone a soft amber hue, full of the fiery intensity it had after one of your kendo matches. "There is nothing to talk about. You've made your decision."

I felt my heart breaking. I had already lost Akira; I wasn't about to lose you. I didn't think I could stand saying goodbye to two people who meant most to me all in one day. But you were already walking past me. I reached out my hand and grabbed your arm.

"Please," I begged softly.

You looked at me with those golden eyes. You did not speak.

I took my chance. "There are so many things I want to tell you."

You closed your eyes. My hands traveled down your arm to cradle your fingers with mine. You did not pull away.

****

To be continued

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Author's Notes: One of my favorite quotes is from a defunct TV show called My So-Called Life, which used to be my favorite. In it, Angela claims "What I, like, dread is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. You have to develop this, like, combination you on the spot." (Yes, she says 'like' a lot. It was in the early nineties – it was the cool thing to do then.) Anyway, it constantly reminds me of how people have different sides to their personality. The Kenshin that Tomoe knows is not the same as the Kenshin Kaoru knows – and with good reason. Most of us adapt our personalities so that we can be able to deal with other people in the best way possible. I'm not saying that one Kenshin is real and the other isn't. As Angela puts it, they just know him 'in completely different ways.' I just want to make that clear in case people wondered why Tomoe saw Kenshin as strong and detached, and while Kaoru saw his vulnerability. I hope I make sense. Anyway, Tomoe was a particularly difficult character to write, which is why this chapter took so long to finish. It was not my intention to show her as manipulative, just confused, lost.


	4. First

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Defying Gravity

First

At first I thought it was a dream, my hand in yours. But then your voice came, an invitation, an apology, and I realized that although the time and the place was not my choosing, it was all real.

I would have asked you how you knew where to find me, but I decided against it. "It doesn't matter now, Tomoe," I said, more to myself, in a vain effort to convince my senses that I should just go. But I could not force to tear myself away. I felt that I was closer to you now than I had ever been, because the wound was laid between us, naked and vulnerable, a heart stripped bare.

Could you imagine the pain I felt to see you back with him? The night was cold, but it wasn't why I shivered where I stood. Your eyes were brilliant with unshed tears. Could you truly imagine?

"Kenshin," you pleaded. Without waiting for me to reply, the words burst forth from you like a storm in summer, striking when it was least expected.

And just like a storm, your tears beat heavily against us, and I remembered how it began.

***

We were classmates during our second year in junior high. I was intrigued the moment I saw you, the new girl standing quietly by the window. Your eyes seemed to take every measure of my soul in, unafraid and faintly challenging. It surprised me, that steady gaze you watched me with, because I knew that my reputation as a troublemaker had long preceded me.

Kaoru would have been the first to tell you that it wasn't true. She was my staunchest defender even back then. And while I didn't tell her, she was also the reason I got into a lot of those fights in the first place. At thirteen, it didn't do well to be associated with a girl. But I hadn't the heart to turn her away. I would bring her home, but I would always go back to face those bullies who towered over me. Maybe they didn't think someone my size would take them on. But I did, and I won. Kaoru believed that my scars were born of something worthier, like a scratch from a kitten I had saved from a tree or some other fairy tale. She clung to me with those wide guileless eyes, ready to take on the world for my sake. Now, after Sano's admission, I realized why though I never understood it. 

She loved me all those years, before she even chose to know me, before she even knew the meaning of the word.

But you were different. You took in the soiled hands, the scarred face, and in the quiet of the morning, you nodded, as if I had passed a test I didn't know I was taking.

I dismissed you with a shrug. I thought it would be that easy.

Then came that one afternoon at kendo practice, when one of the sempai had challenged me to a duel. I had brought Kaoru home like I always did, and returned a little late. There was another run-in with a neighborhood gang this time, led by a guy whose fifteen-year old brother I had crippled the day before. It took me longer than usual to dispose of four guys with bike chains and pocketknives, and it hadn't escaped Ikeda-san's notice. The challenge was mainly to put in my place, but I was itching for a fight.

I took him down in one, two, three strokes. He ended up writhing on the floor, clutching at his midsection. A broken rib, maybe two, but I didn't care. Silent, the rest of the team parted and let me pass.

And then there you stood, half hidden by the door. You stared at me with that same measuring gaze. There was no pity in your eyes, no feigned empathy. 

You walked up to me and took my face in your hands. You were not afraid. A light rain began to fall.

Your hands soothed my rage away.

It was much later when I discovered that you already belonged to another.

***

We did not speak after that, as we had never really addressed each other before then. But you entered my thoughts and my veins the way no one else had. I knew Kiyosato from kendo, but did not believe that he was the sole reason you frequented the gym. After all, even when he moved on to high school, you still lingered in the early evening, the faint scent of white plums drifting to where I fought drenched in sweat.

I felt that a butterfly beat its wings against me, trapped inside my chest, gently struggling to break free. I did not think I was capable of such emotion.

On my last year in junior high, I walked the corridors with an unshakable calm. I had proven my worth, both on the streets and in the tournaments, and only the foolish dared to touch me. But you did, and I wasn't sure if I had come out of the experience unscathed. The Inter-High Kendo Tournament was going to be a walk in the park.

"Something's different," Kaoru had pointed out as she met me outside the local gym on the day of the finals. Her grandfather had driven her there in a show of support, and her small frame seemed lost in the throng of people.

I cocked my head to one side, waiting to hear what she had to say.

"You've controlled it somehow, when I wasn't looking," she said a little sadly. Then she smiled at me. "Gambatte!"

We stood there just looking at each other, and I remembered how Kaoru had steadfastly stayed at my side. She was there during those tumultuous years when I came home to see my murdered parents, and all of my innocence was wiped away in the space of a heartbeat. As she lulled me back into reality with her friendship, I wondered how she could still keep her idealism, her hopeful innocence. Suddenly there was a chasm between us that we could not cross. She tried, I knew. I just held back. There were things about me that I did not want to share, things that we both knew would always shadow our conversations. She respected my privacy and gave me space. I took her smile with me.

But when I walked into that gymnasium, all I could see were your eyes, never faltering, never judging. I felt that if you knew me you would not be consumed.

Victory came with a sort of hollow pride. For one so young, I don't know why I never truly treasured it. I had asked my uncle, who had raised me since my parents' death, to stay behind. I watched Kaoru wave me goodbye.

It felt like an eternity before you came to my side. When I looked up from my position on the floor, back slumped against the gym walls, you were already arranging yourself neatly on the space beside me.

"You could have won earlier if you hadn't toyed with him like that," you said without preamble.

I scoffed. "He should have been better prepared."

"Kiyosato's afraid of you, you know."

I looked at you. "He should."

Outside, it began to rain. I could feel the heat rising from the earth, released by the downpour as it permeated our skins. It was the first time I fell in love.

***

Once, when I was doing the laundry, I came across my uncle's well-worn kimono. He was a potter, and this faded gray fabric bore the marks of his trade. I scrubbed at it insistently, vainly trying to wash the dried clay and the stains away. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"The clay becomes it, don't you think?" he asked me. My uncle had never been abusive, but he was harsh and exacting, and I was surprised at the gentle tone he used then. He looked at the kimono as if it were an old friend, torn and dirty as it was, and his touch told me that I should just leave it be.

All I could think of was you.

***

"I was only saying goodbye to him. He was my friend, too," you explained. "I am with you now."

I kept silent. You didn't need to say anything; I think I unconsciously took you back the moment I saw you on this lonely road. You saw my faults yet you came back. You saw the dark and the light yet you came back. I could not ask anyone for more.

"Will you trust me?"

That night you walked by my side, our shoulders barely touching. You smelled like the last five years of my life, white plums and evening calm, splintered wood and summer storms. 

There was a hole in the sky where the moon should be, kind of like the space in my chest where a heart once throbbed, before you came and stole it away.

You reached out and anchored me with a hand.

I grasped it, startling myself with my own firmness. I smiled. Things were going to be all right.

****

To be continued

Author's Notes: After a hiatus and a bout with ff.net's temperaments, this fic is back. I'm letting it take its own sweet time because most of the emotions here are very real, and very me. Of course, the assumption here is that there is a shared history between Kenshin and Tomoe from the moment they met until this point; I merely picked at the parts of their relationship that have a significant bearing to their situation now.

Much thanks to Susan and Midori for their comments (I'll never forget those looong emails!) Mids, I know I promised to let you read this before I posted but I didn't want to be a burden during these times, so I just went ahead. It was something that I had to get out. But most of all, thanks to kaoko and chibi-angel for putting up with me as I go on redefining things that previously had no names. It is a struggle, and thank you for holding my hand.


	5. Last

**Defying Gravity**

**Last**

"Tomoe," Father's voice urged me awake.

It took a while before I rubbed the last traces of sleep from my eyes. It felt good to dream. Raising a lazy arm to shield my eyes from the sunshine, I asked, "What time is it?"

"Late enough," he replied. "You're usually up before the sun is. Did you have a good night's sleep?"

The grin I gave him took its time in stretching across my face, like a cat unfolding itself from its curled position. "The best in a long time."

"You've been so down lately, it's nice to see you smiling again," he continued frankly. "Come on, sugar."

It was morning.

***

His red hair stood out in the morning sunshine, but it was you who caught my attention, ever the patient shadow at his side. You were laughing sweetly at something he said that it seemed like a shame to interrupt. But you noticed me standing behind him, and reached out to nudge his arm in your casual manner. He turned. His lips did not smile but his eyes did, a rich purple like I imagined the depths of the sea would look like. I could drown in them. For a moment, I forgot that you were even there.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Hey," he responded. "I thought you were going to sleep in today."

I pretended to scowl. "You won't get rid of me that easily."

He laughed softly. You smiled a moment later, a little unsure if you were intruding. I turned to you. I'm sorry, Kaoru, I didn't mean to exclude. "Ohayou, Kaoru-san."

"Tomoe-san," you acknowledged politely. You gestured towards your homeroom. "Uh, listen, I have to go. I'll see you both later." Then, with an apologetic -- or was it just sad? -- smile, you walked away.

I watched you.

Did I ever tell you how jealous I was of you before? He never made a move without you. I was his girlfriend, but it was you he chose to walk home. I was his girlfriend, but it was you he saw first every morning. But I couldn't hate you. How could I? You were his friend. You were his anchor. You made him smile.

You chose that moment to look back at us. Kenshin had already turned away and he didn't catch the look on your face.

But I did. And I understood: you were in love.

Kenshin, you idiot.

***

"You love him," I stated without preamble.

It was late afternoon, and as class representatives, you and I found ourselves staying after dismissal for an unscheduled meeting. When Kenshin found out, he promised he'd bring us both home, despite the fact that we lived on opposite sides of town. You protested, saying you could manage on your own. But he was firm. 

I was right; you couldn't say no to him.

So there we sat, on the steps in front of the school, just waiting. When I made my rather unexpected remark, you recoiled a little. But you did not run.

"It's hard not to," you replied, after some time. Your voice spoke of resignation and summer and long afternoons waiting for him like this and somehow, I realized I never heard anything so heartbreaking before. But deep within your reply was a challenge, as if you were daring me to do something about the fact that you loved the man I did.

"What is it about him?" I can't believe that I'm having this conversation, or that I even started it in the first place. But I've always known the secret to detachment. I knew when to hide my emotions behind a mask, and when to let them show. I did it because I did not want to get hurt again, since wearing my feelings on my sleeve would inevitably lead to it. I did it because I had been hurt when I was with Akira, and I wasn't about to make the same mistake with Kenshin. You were always my opposite, dancing in his life with such open affection. How could two such different people fall for the same person? I guess I just wanted to learn everything about you, to see him as you did, to understand why you hurt so much right now.

You adjusted your socks. "I don't think you have the time."

I shrugged, although I knew you couldn't see the gesture. "I have the whole afternoon."

You turned to me, your heart in your eyes. "I don't think you have the time," you repeated with a regretful smile.

"Did you ever tell him?" I asked. My territory was a man and only a few weeks with him. You had a lifetime. Forgive me, I just had to know.

"What for?" you answered. "It won't change a thing anyway. He has always loved you. I only complicate things." You paused. "Will you tell him?"

"No," I assured you. That was purely between him and you.

You nodded. "Thank you, Tomoe-san."

I wanted to take your hand and tell you that it was going to be okay. That I was going to love him enough for both of us. I was a woman too; I understood what it was like to live in fear that you will lose everything you have ever loved. 

"People always assume that there's only the couple to think about in every love story. But what they don't realize is that there's always somebody else. There are three sides to every story: his, yours, and mine. Everything will always be in a confusing triangle."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop you from feeling that way. But you will continue to love him in your own way and so must I. I respect that. I guess I just wanted you to know that it was all right if you did. You will always give him something that he will not ask of me, and for that I will always be grateful.

You shook your head. For all your smiles, you looked so very tired. Loving him had hurt you deeply, and I did not help any. In your eyes, I saw that you felt that you had no right to get hurt. Your voice was no more than a whisper when you said, "There are only two sides to every triangle. Inside. And outside." You stood up. "I think I'd better go now."

Maybe, if the circumstances were different, we could have been friends. Maybe, on some level, we already were, joined at the heart by this undeniable emotion for this undeniable man. But I watched you walk away because I knew you didn't need my friendship. Or my pity. You walked on the same path you chose God knows how many years ago, and there was nothing that could stop you. 

You loved him without question. It was a shame that he could not return the emotion. But just because you loved him first didn't mean I loved him less.

He came a few minutes later, and asked about you.

I told him the truth. I told him you were tired of waiting.

***

That night he held me close and told me his dreams. How he wanted a have a family of his own. How he wanted to finish his education and get a good job. How he wanted to pay back everyone who had helped him.

In the back of my mind, I kept thinking, what if he held you instead? What if, in the end, he would come back to you? I knew without a doubt that you would love him as much for his weaknesses as for his strengths. Maybe someday, you would get the chance to tell him. And show him. But until then, I was not going anywhere.

"What are you thinking of?" he murmured in my ear.

"How much I love you," I replied.

"And just how much is that?" he teased.

I showed him. That night we dreamed together.

**To be continued**

**Author's Notes:** Many thanks to blue-jeans for helping me get through this chapter. She reminded me of one important thing. Maybe I will earn your respect with this story. Maybe I will disappoint you with it. But the fact remains that this is mine, and it begs to be told the way I see fit. I love Kaoru, and am always willing to make her run the gamut of emotions I know she is capable of. I'm sorry if this chapter took so long, but I hope it was worth it.

Today is special for me, so I'd like to thank my fanfiction.net friends who have been there through it all: shimonu (my oniisan even though I'm older); Mookamori (who claims he's my lord and master); really_irked and Neonaph Dreamchaser (I don't deserve such a loyal cheering squad); the extremely talented RK fanfic family -- Midori, Susan, Gypsy-chan, Dora-chan, Fujifunmum, blue, rurouni among others, who have alternately criticized and praised my work all these months in countless emails above and beyond the call of duty (what would I do without you? ^__^); the readers and reviewers of RK and my other fics for letting me share my work with you; and finally, chibi-angel, for just being her. **dementedchris Sept. 12, 2002**


	6. Always

**Defying Gravity**

**Always**

I found you one last time, hidden in the shelter of the cherry trees you love. I watched you and I realized that it had come to this: ten years and a love that refused to go away.

"I have to talk to you," I began. I did not know where I dug up the courage to speak, as I never had it in all those years that I stood by your side and watched you hurt yourself a thousand times over. Was it yesterday's conversation with Tomoe? Was it the need to have things out in the open, no pretenses, no lies? Or was it simply the harsh realization that you truly loved her and I had to move on? I was no longer aware of what brought me to you. 

I was there because I had nowhere else to go.

"Do you want us to walk home now, Kaoru-dono?" you asked in your usual careful tone.

"That's not what I mean and you know it," I replied. We had avoided talking about it -- about us -- when it was what we should have done from the very beginning before things avalanched to this grand scale of emotions that threatened to bury us in its wake.

You stood up. "Don't say it," you said, almost angrily. 

And I shook, from rage or fear or love, I did not bother to find out. "If you knew, then why didn't you tell me?"

"The same reason you never told me before."

"I'm telling you now."

You sighed and collapsed back on the ground, your face in your hands. "You shouldn't. Not me. Never me. You deserve someone better."

I sat down beside you, cautious now of the territory I was invading. Was this still my place? After today, would it ever be? "Why do you keep on saying that, Kenshin?" I asked. "Shouldn't that be my choice, who I deserve or who I don't? You never gave me a chance to lo--"

"You deserve good things."

"Then why not you?"

You were silent for so long, I didn't think that you would ever answer. "I remember the first time I ever brought you home. My parents were so pleased, but you looked so shy then that I realized that I was seeing a whole new side to you." You sighed, then looked at me. "When they died, you were the first person who came to me. You cried but I didn't know why you did. You didn't have to. It wasn't your grief. At the funeral you looked so lost when you clung to your grandfather, crying the tears that I could not. I knew then that I could only hurt you, that I could only bring you pain."

"And that's it, I'm some fragile creature you have to protect all the time?" I could not keep the hurt from my voice. "You think I don't know you. You think I can't know you."

"I would have given you the world," I added quietly.

***

I was six when you moved into town, but I had heard of your reputation before I had even seen your shadow. They said you were a bully, fierce and sulking, and I was headstrong enough to resolve to teach you a lesson when we met. But as fate would have had it, we already spent two hours in the playground before I realized that I had been having fun with the boy I was determined to put in his place.

"What's wrong?" you asked, when I stuttered after you introduced yourself.

"N-Nothing," I replied, summoning all the courage a tomboy like me had. Were you really whom the stories claimed you were? You certainly didn't look like any bully I knew, thin and scrawny as you were. Besides, you pushed me on the swing for all of ten minutes and you let me step on your back so I could reach the monkey bars and you even stood up for me when one of the older kids shoved me off the seesaw, and would a bully do all that? 

"You've heard, huh?" you continued. There was a guarded quality to your question, almost sad.

It was then I made a decision. 

I stuck my chin out boldly. "I don't care that you placed a cat inside a sack and left it in the middle of the road. Or that you let out the air of a fifth-grader's bicycle tires. That's all in the past. But now that you're my friend I'll have to teach you what's right and wrong."

For a moment I thought you were going to hit me. That the stories were right, and you were some kind of deranged juvenile delinquent. But instead, your shoulders shook with laughter. "That's what they say about me?"

"You mean they're not true?" I asked, surprised.

You faced me. "What do you think?"

"No."

You just nodded, then turned to leave.

"Hey, where are you going?" I cried out after you.

You stopped. "Look for another place to play. It was fun being with you, but I don't want your friends to stop liking you just because you played with me."

I shook my head. "I don't care what they say. We're friends now, aren't we?"

In the guileless nature of children, you took my hand in yours and pulled me towards the monkey bars. Your fingers were strong and warm over mine, and in retrospect, it must have been at that point that something in me recognized something in you, and there was no turning back. It was much later when I realized what my innocent self had unconsciously known all along.

It was impossible to defy the laws of gravity, the laws of the heart.

***

"I'm sorry," you said.

You were every thing I wanted.

I was the last thing you needed.

***

And that was it.

Yesterday I had told Tomoe-san that it didn't matter, that telling you would only complicate matters. I knew my confession would not change your mind about her, or about me. But I had to tell you. You had to know why I wanted to say goodbye.

Because it hurt to just be a friend when I wanted to be more. Because it hurt every time I lied to myself and said that your happiness made me happy. Because at some point, the emotions were just too much to bear and I longed for some kind of freedom. I thought I was the one who knew you best, the one who was foremost in your thoughts. Now I wanted to be certain. It was a selfish kind of love, really, but I felt that I owed it to myself somehow. 

"I love you," I said, with no more hesitations, with no more doubts. I said it because it needed to be said.

I loved you because you made me love the person I was when I was with you. You met me on so many different levels and taught me to grow. With you, we were alone together, and that was all right.

"Thank you," you replied.

"I never asked for your thanks."

"This changes nothing, you know," you said, but how your voice broke.

I smiled through my tears and cradled your face with my hands. "No. This changes everything."

And how my heart broke.

Your fingers reached for my hands as I kissed you gently, on your left cheek, near your mouth, to scar you there as you had scarred me. "Take care always," I said, turning to leave.

I was a few meters away when your voice followed me. "Pick you up tomorrow morning?" you persisted.

Perhaps the hardest thing to bear was the kindness in your tone, the one that clung to the ideals of friendship over the desires of the heart. It was so nice to believe that we would stay this way for always. But we would drift apart, and we would both know why. You would not want to hurt me again. You would stop telling me about Tomoe, about the things that are important to you, until one day, you would stop telling me anything at all. And yet I still risked all this just for the chance to tell you what I felt.

It was a selfish, selfish love.

I shook my head. I would not be healed by tomorrow. But I knew all I needed was time. And until then, I was going to take what I could get, whatever little thing you could give. Your friendship, your affection -- it was going to have to be enough. But I was going to keep the faith. That someday, you will find your way back to me, and that somehow, I would find the strength to keep on waiting.

The road home was a long one, and for the first time in years, I was going to have to walk it alone.

On that gentle afternoon in mid-October, you let me go.

**END**

**Author's Notes:** And so it happened. And so it was written.

For him, for always. 

  



	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

It was spring, and they unexpectedly met under the pink that tinged the cherry trees. It was coincidence really, but something told them that it could have been fate. He was older now, and wiser, and the lines on his face were testament to the pain he had seen. She was older too, but her world still moved when she saw him. She had not forgotten.

The years lay between them.

He had moved from city to city, last she heard, and she wasn't even sure what he was into now. He had married his high school sweetheart, but it had ended in tragedy after two years. She hadn't the heart to ask him what had happened. To a degree, she had been content with the way her life had gone on without him. She had taken up a teaching position in their old high school, occasionally falling in and out of love when she wasn't in her habit of remembering him.

Seeing her there, he understood what they meant about first loves.

There were so many things left to say. But they had a lifetime ahead of them, and he was going to make sure that this time, he did things right.

"Going home?" he asked tentatively, unsure of how she was going to respond because he hadn't seen the look in her eyes. And he trembled, just a little, when he realized that everything that had happened had led up to this moment.

She nodded. Without asking, she slipped her hand into his, in the same comfortable gesture that they shared all those years ago.

They walked down the road, wondering how far they had journeyed to come back to this.****

And it was only a beginning.****

**101502**

**Author's Notes:**

Finally got that out of my system. Thanks to all my reviewers, past and present: Angel, Angel Kitten, Aoko, Battousai angel, BEK, Bumblebee-Queen, Chris James, Crystal, cool butike, Gypsy-chan, Hypokrita Cynikel, Inuki, Istoria, jasperita, KitKat, kc, Leigh, Linay, liwanag, lizzie, macy, Midori Natari Himura, Miyu Sakura, nameless, nemo, Nim, omochi, Onna, qUeErMissy, rinoa, Rei2, Sabrina, Sabrina-star, sakura li, Serafita, Shin-chan, shuro, Solaris the Saffron, StillbornAngel, supernaturalove, sync*in, Susan, tenshineko, tensai, TigerWolf, Tiian, tsuKi, yawarako, Yen, Yuyi, and all my other readers whom I may have unknowingly left out. Thank you very much.

To rily irked and Neonaph Dreamchaser -- SOS, girls!

And to kaoko, blue jeans, and chibi-angel -- I found you when I least expected it, and I have been grateful for every minute of your friendship.


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